the freedom of life....

death again

2012-02-17T00:18:00.003+08:00

another cat died tonight

just when i was wondering how come the dogs have stopped attacking since the death of my cat

i don't get it

is it okay for cats to be killed but not okay when dogs are killed?

is it because of the size?

why are people defending dogs as if they are 'animals'?

hence if a cat dies and it is okay because they are not 'animals'?

where is the justice?

the dogs will just never learn

they bite humans and cats and yet it is okay because they are animals?

try being bitten or witnessing and hearing it

you will shut your mouth immediately

cats being attacked and bitten is the same as those cats being tortured by humans

if dogs can get away with these crimes, then humans can too

justice is there

sorry

2012-02-05T17:48:00.003+08:00

i can't remember anything

i can't remember how it all ends

i'm sorry that things can't be the same anymore

but i understands how you feel

it hurts...badly

so bad that it's excruciating

if i can make a change, i will

but it's just not the same anymore

i tried very hard but failed

believe me, i really do

please end everything

2012-02-05T17:16:00.001+08:00

put an end to my life now

waiting

2012-01-09T21:47:00.003+08:00

the grading system has changed

everything's more and more stressful

life has not been going as well as i hope

how is it to put the past behind and move on?

how is it to stop concerning on matter where's there's no hope?

how is it to stop being pathetic?

life is funny sometimes

will there be regrets in the future?

the mistake has been repeated

all i can do now is to wait

wait for the pain to come slowly..

pampered

2012-01-06T15:55:00.000+08:00

too much pampering since young makes you a hard person to please when you're old!

deceived

2012-01-02T00:52:00.002+08:00

eventually in some point of your life

you will be deceived

it's a disappointment

one that cannot be escaped

and stupidly, i'm waiting for that day...

suicidal thoughts

2011-12-21T22:24:00.002+08:00

i dig my own hole

and i dig my own grave

i end up screwing my life

and the people around me

the uncertainty

the pain

the tears

the end

it's time to ignore and move

the end

2011-12-09T21:51:00.003+08:00

i don't know whether my decision is right or wrong

what i know is i need to take a break

i want to live a different life

i want to try other things in my life

i don't know whether i will regret the decision

but i just hope the misery will stop before it became phobic to me

i just want to live a normal life, enjoy life

i hope we can be good together

nothing will change much

it will still be the same, just the absence of a status

my attitude, my feelings will still be the same

i will still be kind and caring towards you

but if the stress and frustration appears, i fear i will avoid you

either way, you're always a special person to me...

storm and serenity

2011-11-05T15:00:00.005+08:00

the silence is too deafening

the pain is too intense

the tears can't stop falling

there are many times when i choose to ignore

hoping that someone would make a decision for me

but often, the inability to make a decision leave me feeling helpless

there are things that i have to let go

there are things that i have to decide

but once again, the reluctance to hurt and the fear to be hurt win

and that leaves me alone once again

the tears start falling

ending soon...

2011-11-03T22:19:00.003+08:00

holidays' ending soon

life is as bored as hell

yet, i know that once class starts

life will be as as hectic as shit

ohhh what a dilemma

how i wish i can just go for a holiday

im so dying to get out of this place

who, can really save me?? :(

break-ing

2011-10-30T22:00:00.007+08:00

finally, after 5 months of coll, i'm having my long desired break

tho it's only just a week

before the full battle begins again

this break, i'm not really sure whether it's a good thing, or bad

once again i'm at divergence

with the past haunting me

unsure of what i have to do

i've avoided enough

i know it's time to face it but why...

i still can't seem to take it

but how long do i still need?

it's so tiring that i feel like sleeping forever

or a getaway from everything in my world

for once and for all...

i'm disappointed once again

blinded by my own unrealistic dreams and hopes

i'm again repeating my mistakes

something which i've told myself again and again to not repeat

if only i'm smart and willful enough...

testing my patience

2011-10-10T23:52:00.004+08:00

my anger is just simmering below the surface

i may act like nothing is going on

but if only you know the truth

i'm not going to start anything now

afterall, it's a trial for me...

pathetic

2011-10-01T17:51:00.002+08:00

have u ever been so tired that you just feel like leaving everything and walk off?

this is what i feel right now

for the whole day i've been unproductive

nothing can get my energy up

yet the constant nagging thought that there are more to accomplish is there

why aren't anyone helping to do anything at all?

why can't anyone reply for god's sake?

is there a contract written that i have to do it all?

i looked into your eyes yesterday

i saw something that i thought i will never see again

now i'm all disturbed

yet there's nothing that i can do

afterall, as you're growing up

everyone leaves..

a chameleon

2011-09-29T19:29:00.003+08:00

after four months,

once again, i've put my life on hold

with the hope of something happening

but once again, i'm disappointed

was there ever a chance of truce between us?

sadly, without trust, nothing can be said anymore

once again, i feel foolish enough with myself

what was i thinking?

i'm back to square one

but once again, i have to start back anew

it's time to concentrate on my studies again

holiday time is over

assignment due dates are killing me

time is all i need for everything

i'll have to learn to be a chameleon :)

idiotic

2011-09-28T19:50:00.002+08:00

i hate myself...very much

people like me should just disappear from the world forever...

curiosity killed me...again

2011-09-26T23:37:00.002+08:00

would you be hurt by lies,

or would you be hurt from not being told about something?

i don't know which is worse

what i know is that i don't like either one

is there a reason for not revealing something?

either it's a secret, or it is a means of hiding for protection

somehow or rather, i guess it's a secret

for not telling, it means that the matter is of a deep consideration to you

and it is inappropriate to tell due to the fear and uncertainty

i'm disappointed

it makes things more unclear to me

again, my decisions are clouded

nothing ever seem to be right for us

for misunderstandings appear most often

and the revenge goes on

i've thought of stopping after so long

but i'm forced to walk on again

most often i'm forced to push things that are most dear to me away

and this time, though i know,

i have no choice

the decision is not mine alone

*some things are best left unknown, for curiosity kills the cat*

disappointments

2011-09-24T01:51:00.004+08:00

it has been one month and four days since you moved on

life has been hectic in this one month

with finals and mid terms, and now assignments,

i feel as if i'm going crazy

situation worsen with presence of politics and now,

arguments with my best friend

things are not going smoothly at all

suddenly, everything that im controlling is bursting out

i'm gasping for air

i've tolerated enough

my resolution to stay focus on my studies have been waivered by two situations

it's time to leave everything again

if people can be selfish, i guess i have to start being that too

but i hate that, i really do

i don't like the way im turning into

yet certainly, the past is equally terrible

it has been a huge disappointment this month

i miss you

i just wish those damn dogs didn't take you....

i need a revenge but i can't do it

i have no rights to deal with another person's life

sorry...

scholarship offer

2011-08-22T14:30:00.002+08:00

i got the scholarship...

but i wouldn't mind trading the scholarship for you

it's raining hard now

you must be scared, hungry and cold now

how are you?

how i wish i have the third eye

i want to see you....

everytime...

2011-08-21T16:58:00.005+08:00

the house feels so silent now

everytime i return home, i expect to see you running towards me

every corner i turn, i expect to see you sleeping there

everywhere i sit, i expect to see you rubbing against me

everytime it rains, i expect you to run into the house

everytime at 3pm, i expect to hear you calling

everytime i look at the garden, i expect to see you there

everytime i look at the car, i expect to see your footprints there

but everytime i look, you're not there anymore

you've left peacefully...

2 years, 15 days, 30 minutes after your son passed away, you left too....

RIP CHI MI

2011-08-20T23:23:00.003+08:00

REST IN PEACE

20/8/2011, 11.10pm

you're the last of our cats,

the last descendant of the best ever in the family

may you rest in peace and meet with your 7 sons again.

FUCK THE BLOODY DOGS

THEY CAN ROT IN HELL FOR ALL I CARE!!!

chasing rainbows

2011-08-02T17:49:00.002+08:00

all the while i've been chasing rainbows

at the end, i'm still walking by myself

right now, i've reached my end

yet, it's too late...

break

2011-07-26T17:17:00.002+08:00

i promised myself that things like yesterday will not happen again

sadly, it did

i shall keep this in mind and never bring it up again

sorry.

i'm as screwed up as ever

as lost as ever

i feel like crap

and tired like mad

i need a damn break.

bloody selfish

2011-07-26T00:40:00.004+08:00

i finally know what's the issue between us

it's the fact that you never once bother about me

you can only think about how much you hurt but not about how much i hurt

you expect me to be there for you when you need me

but when i need you, what happens?

you never bother.

this is how selfish your life is

you never bother

all you think is about yourself

i really don't know what the fuck you want

i'm bloody pissed

the reason why we break is to put an end to these hard feelings

but i can see now that nothing will change

and the end will not come

congratulations you win.

and i will not be bothered anymore.

betrayed

2011-07-17T14:33:00.002+08:00

never would i thought that i would be betrayed by you

you're the last person i expect so

maybe what they said is right

i should move on when it's time

and not to linger on...

i guess no matter how much i wanted to

i still can't put my stand anywhere

this shall be the end.

a bad dream altogether

2011-07-17T13:22:00.003+08:00

some things just doesn't change no matter how much i want it to be

i'm still being a nuisance in people's life

and i hate being a nuisance in people's life

these days have been busy for me

maybe i'm running away from reality

but i love it when i'm busy

it makes me feel a lot better than sitting at home with wandering thoughts

recently, i had a talk with a new friend of mine

what he said is right

sometimes we're worth much more than we thought

but where do you exactly find someone whom you think is worthy of you?

in life, there are many pondering moments

all stemmed from misunderstandings and perceptions

we thought we know what's best

but everything will come crashing down once again when we least expect it to be

exam's this week

but i have very little intention to study

what happened in my life recently have left me in a daze

i'm still unsure of what i am, what i want, and what i have to do...

everything seems like a bad dream

no matter

2011-07-12T23:38:00.003+08:00

tonight, i felt empty again

i realised that i'm still hurt when i talk about the past

no matter how much i want to forget it, to let it go, i can't

if only i can run, i just wish i can run forever

cause i'm tired of coping

i'm tired of struggling

i'm tired of staying strong

i just want something to lean onto

i'm tired...

no matter how much i lie to myself

no matter how much i tell myself

i'm still hurt

i'm still surrounded by darkness

i'm still lost...

farewell

2011-07-09T17:57:00.002+08:00

these two days have been a hard day for me

coping with the leaving of my friends is hard

i thought i could cope well but....

yesterday was awesome, sad and tiring day

finally my 3 great friends are leaving

it's like a dream

the time spent with them was precious

yet, now,they are already in Australia

hopefully everything turns out well

i can hardly sleep last night

my mind, my thoughts, my dreams are all filled with them

wondering and worrying...

let's just hope that they are all well :)

P/s: i learnt that if there's something that does not belong to you, it's about time to let go cause it's just not worth it anymore...

tomorrow

2011-07-07T13:07:00.005+08:00

one more day.

it's just one more day before everyone leaves

the thought of it hurts

as a friend, it hurts

what would their girlfriends think? feel?

it's too late to think of the past now

cause everything will come to a stop one day later

i really miss everyone

would everything change after 6 months, after 2 years?

who else can i call if i feel depressed?

who else can i call when i need someone to talk to?

i really hate tomorrow.

stupid...

2011-07-02T20:43:00.001+08:00

ugghh i'm feeling depressed

even gay couples can last longer than us =.=

this is really stupid :S

first step to the future

2011-07-02T12:45:00.002+08:00

this coming monday will be the long awaited day of my life

that day will be the day where i make a decision for the rest of my life

this sounds scary and yes, it is

i just never realised how soon it is

and without realising, it's only 2 days away

will this decision be the best one for me?

will i be able to do well after choosing it?

i hope i will

it's time to grow up and be mature

i'm no longer young anymore

there are many decisions that i have to make by myself right now

and none of it is assured

what saddens me most is i have to leave all my friends

i can't imagine life without them

it feels great to be with them

this is really scary >.<

let's just hope that i can do well :)

unlucky meeting

2011-06-28T19:40:00.003+08:00

for the first time in my life

i realised that i really do hate someone without realising

yet, i thought i have forgiven that person

but i guess i can't do it no matter how hard i wanted to

after nearly two years, this person appeared in front of my eyes again

apparently, i did not see him and wouldn't have know his existence if my friend had not tell me about it

at the moment i knew about it, i was really mad and disgusted

no kidding, but i have the urge to attack him

throughout the entire lunch, i forced myself to concentrate on the food and my friend, and not attack him

i guess this is what happens when you step on my tail

ughhh sickening, annoying, and disgusting

no kidding but these were what i was feeling other than mad and provoked

and i really regret controlling myself

maybe i should just attack him instead...

thank god i managed to calm down with some loud music and speeding

no kidding but these two things really make me feel a lot better

but i still have a good mind to attack that person....

lost fairytales

2011-06-16T23:25:00.004+08:00

tonight, i do not feel happy

fairytales do not happen in my world

no matter how realistic it is, it do not happen

but once in a while, i wish it do...

how much longer, do i have to feel sorry for myself?

how much longer, do i have to live with this pain?

it's too late to cut all ties

the ties have long vanished

the moment everything end, it vanished together too

in this world, i learn not to trust

in this world, i told myself not to hurt

in this world, i learn to be cold

in this world, i lost myself once again...

sudden urge to....

2011-06-16T01:26:00.002+08:00

suddenly feel like falling in love again

i know this sounds crazy

but i guess it will feel nice to fall in love

i've never really experience love in the way i want it to be

but i guess in reality it's hard and rare?

lol i'm being random here :)

agony

2011-06-15T13:12:00.001+08:00

ughhh very very very pissed now

don't get it why am i thinking of my friends for whatever i do

yet they never bother thinking about me

damn blardy pissed

from my work, i smuggle samples to give to them

yet just because i never go for classes, they don't bother taking notes and slides for me

this is bloody annoying

this is it

ignorance is bliss

don't ever blame me for being evil

btw, my hand hurts like hell!!! ughhh

negative family

2011-06-13T13:14:00.003+08:00

just finished my operation

there is some complications as i hoped, just not death as i wish for

my parents were totally unsympathetic

i got scolded by my dad and he told me that i deserve it

as for my mum, she just show me the black face

no kidding, but i swear i will leave this house as soon as i finish studying

there is no way i'm gonna stay in this miserable house

during work, i made alot of friends and all finds that my house have weird people, something unusual with no family bonds

that, i really agree cause there is definitely no encouragements or positivity in the family

saddening

a wish hoping to come true

2011-06-09T19:30:00.004+08:00

i've sat at my room for the whole day

throughout the entire time i cried

it's too pain to bear

i feel it everywhere, physically and mentally

there's only a wish i'd like it to come true

i wish that during my operation, something would go wrong and i'll be declared brain dead or death

please, let this wish come true...

S.O.S: miracle in my life

2011-06-09T11:59:00.003+08:00

another surgery to be done on monday
why is there endless pain for me in this life?

for the past 8 years i have to endure with this pain

now i'm 20 and yet, im still not healed from it

not to forget other pains that come with this...

life is so tiring sometimes

im tired of fighting for my life

when can i stop fighting for everything

and stop the pain forever?
can't miracle just befall me just like how it was 6 years ago?

i just need another miracle in my life....

shitty feeling

2011-06-06T21:08:00.003+08:00

i tried so hard to maintain everything

i thought that if i tolerate some more,

everything will be the same or better

i thought that if things get better,

we might be back together again

i thought you still love me

but everything changed once again

why is it so hard to maintain it?

i thought it could work out once again

i thought it will

but why am i being let down once again?

why am i being treated like shit by you?

what have i done wrong to deserve all these?

trusting the wrong person

2011-06-06T20:02:00.002+08:00

the reality is cruel

all the while, i've been walking alone

i thought you were by my side

but you never have been

so why am i hurting so badly now?

what have i done towards you to be treated worse than a dog?

you're indescribable

i don't know what we can talk about anymore

you stopped convincing me

and i stopped trusting you

there's one thing i know for sure

we're not going back together

there's too much hurt to turn back anymore

congratulations, you win

i was foolish enough to trust you

you must be proud

thanks for being an ass

2011-06-06T13:54:00.003+08:00

after what i've done for you

i thought it was worthwhile all along

i thought that if i take all the pains in and kept silent everything would be ok

i thought you would understand me, just like what you claimed to be

i put my faith on you, trusted you

i didn't realised that you don't trust me all along

you never think of me

you never understand me

and you prejudiced against me

you never think of the reasons behind my action

you never think of the pains that i go thru

thank you

inability to cope

2011-06-05T11:55:00.001+08:00

the internal struggles are killing me slowly

i'm as messed up as ever

when will all these end?

the first step ahead

2011-06-03T22:27:00.005+08:00

taking the first step is never easy

first, i broke up with my bf

second, i decided to choose a major whereby no one i know is taking

third, i decided to get separated from my friends

fourth, i really have finally took the first step out of the norm

i realised, this is the first time i'm doing things that i really want for myself without caring that much anymore about other people and their views

maybe because i don't bother anymore, there's actually no 'feelings'

i don't have to worry about people misunderstanding me

i don't have to worry about people hating me

i don't have to worry about what people think of me

i don't have to worry about being judged by people

however, am i happy with all these decisions?

i don't know

i'm starting to lose my friends one by one

i'm starting to lose the person whom i love slowly

there might be regretted decisions

but for now, it's too early to judge the current decision

right now, i feel satisfied

but i'm not exactly happy yet

all these are new to me

it's a tough decision

what lays ahead in the future for me?

i don't know

to say the truth, i wish some things could be maintained or improved

but i realised, it's not up to me to improve it because the decision is still up to that particular individual

it's still the individual's future

if he cannot put me first in his priority list and learn to make things better,

i guess there's nothing else that i can do anymore

should i wait?and if i do, how long do i have to wait?

everything is a first step for me right now

and for the first time, there's no one to back me up anymore...

dilemmas in life

2011-06-01T23:56:00.002+08:00

it seems that everyone is having a dream

they dream of being a dancer

they dream of being in fairytale loves

they dream of meeting great korean stars and being recognise

but why is it that i no longer have any of these dreams anymore?

i used to be crazy over all these things

but suddenly, everything just disappeared where i learnt how cruel the reality can be

was i too immature, or that i've just lost hope in everything?

my life from now onwards seems to be a rocky path

deciding majors and determining my future at this time is a pain

there's dilemma in everything that i decided

will these decisions be the right decisions?

in every decision made, there is a outcome

but will these outcomes be a good thing for my future?

my intuitions seems to have stopped

my health seems to have gone worse

honestly, i'm very scare right now

what decisions do i have to make finally?

will i be successful and happy in the future?

will everything be ok finally?

that post...

2011-05-28T17:03:00.002+08:00

apparently, you're the one who could let things go first

and i thought i would have done a better job at this

but i guess what i fear has always been right

this, would come one day

it's just a matter of time

and right now, it happened

reading that post, i had a sudden urge to cry

it's been so long, yet it seemed to have happened recently

life, is just full of pain

there are many days, where i punished myself by making myself bleed

but the pain can't be disguised no matter what i tried

the sem break is ending soon

it's a new start once again

and new problems to face

i wish i have a heart like a robot

life would seem much easier

tho' more miserable...

facing reality

2011-05-26T12:22:00.004+08:00

days gone by

the tears never stop flowing

when will everything stop?

i wish i could just sleep forever

facing reality is hard

i wish everything could stop right here and then

holidays ending

2011-05-24T21:21:00.002+08:00

holidays ending soon

for 3 weeks i've rot at home everyday

it's really killing me

people have gone and came back from bangkok

the langkawi trip was cancelled

and i cancelled my job

and now considering on cancelling my second job

all i've ever done is finished a drama series and a book

now starting a new drama series and a book

coll's starting soon

my stomach have been rumbling everyday

how i wish i can just get someone to go out with me

and eat for the whole damn day

this is depressing

how can my hols end just so fast?

you're just not interested

2011-05-23T21:39:00.001+08:00

up until now

i understand dy

thanks :)

quote

2011-05-22T01:23:00.003+08:00

"There’s a reason I said I’d be happy alone. It wasn’t ‘cause I thought I’d be happy alone. It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it. It’s easier to be alone, because what if you learn that you need love and you don’t have it? What if you like it and lean on it? What if you shape your life around it and then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It’s like dying. The only difference is death ends. This? It could go on forever." Meredith Grey

45 things a girl wants for but wont ask for.

2011-05-21T23:21:00.002+08:00

45 things a girl wants for but wont ask for.

1. Touch her waist.
2. Actually talk to her.
3. Share secrets with her.
4. Give her your jacket.
5. Kiss her slowly.

Are you remembering this?
6. Hug her.
7. Hold her.
8. Laugh with her.
9. Invite her somewhere.
10. Hangout with her and your friends together.

KEEP READING ..
11. Smile with her.
12. Take pictures with her.
13. Pull her onto your lap.
14. When she says she loves you more, deny it. Fight back.
15. When her friends say “I love her more than you”, deny it. Fight back and hug her tight so she can’t get to her friends. It makes her feel loved.

Are you thinking of someone?
16. Always hug her and say I love you whenever you see her.
17. Kiss her unexpectedly.
18. Hug her from behind around the waist.
19. Tell her she’s beautiful.
20. Tell her the way you feel about her.

One last thing you need to do to show her you actually do mean it.
21. Open doors for her, walk her to her car - it makes her feel protected, plus it never hurts to act like a gentleman.
22. Tell her she’s your everything - only if you mean it.
23. If it seems like there is something wrong, ask her - if she denies something being wrong, it means SHE DOESN’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT - so just hug her.

24. Make her feel loved.
25. Kiss her in front of OTHER girls you know!

WE MIGHT DENY IT BUT WE ACTUALLY LIKE AND KINDA WANT YOU TO TICKLE US ..
26. Don’t lie to her.
27. DON’T cheat on her.
28. Take her ANYWHERE she wants.
29. Text message or call her in the morning and tell her have a good day at school, and how much you miss her.
30. Be there for her whenever she needs you, and even when she doesn’t need you, just be there so she’ll know that she can always count on you.

ARE YOU STILL READING THIS? YOU BETTER, BECAUSE IT’S IMPORTANT.
31. Hold her close when she’s cold so she can hold you too.
32. When you are alone hold her close and kiss her.
33. Kiss her on the cheek; (it will give her the hint that you want to kiss her).
34. While in the movies, put your arm around her and then she will automatically put her head on your shoulder, then lean in and tilt her chin up and kiss her lightly.

35. Don’t ever tell her to leave even jokingly or act like you’re mad. If she’s upset, comfort her.

REMEMBER ALL THESE THINGS WHEN YOU ARE WITH HER NEXT ..
36. When people diss her, stand up for her.
37. Look deep into her eyes and tell her you love her.
38. Lay down under the stars and put her head on your chest so she can listen to the steady beat of your heart, link your fingers together while you whisper to her as she rests her eyes and listens to you.
39. When walking next to each other grab her hand.
40. When you hug her, hold her in your arms as long as possible.

MAKE SURE SHE KNOWS SHES LOVED.
41. Call or text her at night to wish her sweet dreams.
42. Comfort her when she cries and wipe away her tears.
43. Take her for long walks at night.
44. Always remind her how much you love her.
45. Sit on top of her and tell her how much you love her and then bend down to her face and kiss her while you’re sitting on her.

it hurts...

2011-05-21T00:30:00.003+08:00

the tears have dried up

the pain has just begun

what lays ahead?

it hurts..

the hurt

2011-05-19T23:14:00.002+08:00

just because i didn't say out my hurt

it doesn't mean i don't

just because i acted like i don't care

it doesn't mean that i don't

i don't know what came over us

i just wish we could stop fighting

i'm tired

i may regret my decision in the future

i don't know

what i know is that the hurt you're feeling,

is no lesser than what i'm feeling

you've no idea what i felt towards a relationship, towards us

and don't forget, i made the decision

before anything gone worse

this is what i have to do

i made the decision

please understand

P/S: remember what i told you before we were together. you used to know me. now you don't

total give up

2011-05-19T15:54:00.001+08:00

you're being a pain in the ass

i can't believe those words actually spilled out from your mouth

i take back all my words

you're just intolerable

i give up

the pain...

2011-05-16T21:36:00.006+08:00

they said: the worst kind of pain is when you try to smile to stop the tears from falling...

and i didn't realise that this is what i've been doing all these while...

maybe i wasn't really that happy afterall...

i need you now

but i'm not sure of my feelings..

i don't know what to do...i don't...

being with you helps eliminates all my pain

you're just like my painkiller and antidepressant

everything seems fine when i'm with you

but when i don't, everything seem to be crushing down on me

i miss you

P/S: putting a smile on your face helps hide the pain, but it does not eliminate the pain...this, i learnt it the hard way...

the aftermath

2011-05-16T21:04:00.002+08:00

i lied...

i just want us to be together

but why is it that i don't want it?

was it fear?

or was it due to insecurity?

i don't know

but i'm hurting badly now...

will we be together again in the future?

i love you and that's all i know for now...

i miss you

2011-05-16T16:37:00.000+08:00

i know i'm the one whom have made the decision

but what i know now is that i miss you so much

i don't know what's our future

going back with you, i'm scare...

i just want us to be perfect

but we're anything but perfect

i fear i will hurt you once again

i fear we will hurt each other once again

i miss you, i really do...

what should i do?

i feel really empty right now

i just want you by my side

is this the right decision?

i miss you so...

missing post

2011-05-15T21:57:00.002+08:00

funny that the post those was meant for you went missing

are we really not meant to be together?

love, infatuation, lust

2011-05-12T14:08:00.000+08:00

your world,

my world,

there's a saying that if you really love someone,

there would be no such thing

is it true?

love, infatuation, lust

how to determine which is which?

love is accepting everything about a person

infatuation comes quickly

lust is just mere satisfaction

so what am i?

the darkness of my life

2011-05-11T23:52:00.006+08:00

the road seems dark

the journey was long

i keep stumbling

i keep finding

where is the light?

for nights i searched

for nights i cried

for nights i fear

the darkness is overwhelming

it's eating me up

have you tried walking alone?

have you tried living by yourself?

have you tried cutting yourself from everyone?

have you tried living your life alone?

i guess it's something i have to learn from now on...

freedom was something i searched

freedom was something i thought i have

freedom is something i know i can never attain

freedom....

the day i obtain freedom will be the day i found my light...

roses and secrets

2011-05-09T00:20:00.003+08:00

roses, flowers, and secrets
thorns, beauty, and fear
i've had it all

life is unpredictable
you may think you have it all
one moment, it's all lost

mistakes, flings, and love
one thing lead to another
what would the end be?

love, sorrow, and pain
where is the love?
where is the trust?

-idonotknowallforonce-

moving on once again...

2011-05-08T21:10:00.005+08:00

they told me, it's a wise decision
they told me, i should leave
they told me, it's what i ever wanted since long time
they told me, it's useless to regret

i told myself, it's a wise decision
i told myself, i should leave
i told myself, it's for the best
i told myself, it's useless to regret
i told myself, that if you really give up, i will give up too

i'm coping, and i'm really coping
it'd be all lies if i were to tell you that i'm not hurt
it'd be all lies if im actually smiling in front of you
it'd be all lies if i'm telling you that i'm actually happy

reading back my posts
i realised that hurt, comes in all different ways
being a person whom console others over their pain,
my friend now repays me by consoling me back

yes, it is useless to think back
yes, it is useless to regret
yes, it is useless to doubt my decision
yes, it is useless to think of 'if'

i'm sorry i could not be the perfect gf that you wanted
i'm sorry i can't be the understanding person that you want me to be
i'm sorry i can't be the person whom i promised you to be
i'm sorry for causing you all the pain
i'm sorry for being selfish
i'm sorry for giving you the chance

thanks for all the memories that you gave me
thanks for being there for me
thanks for understanding my dilemma and problems
thanks for being with me for 1.5 years

i guess it's time to move on
if everyone is moving on, why should i stay?
if you're moving on,
there's no longer a reason for me to stay anymore
maybe, i'm finally obtaining my freedom
maybe, i could have a better future
from now on, without anymore obligations

life will be lonely from now on
i no longer have my friends
i no longer have a boyfriend
i no longer studying the same course as my friends

i guess i shall be independent once again....
i guess it's time for me to walk the journey alone once again...

giving up everything...

2011-05-07T19:10:00.003+08:00

it hurts me to know that you think i'm a control freak
it hurts me to know that there's lots of things happened to you
but none you've told me
everytime we argue, you'll said that we should be frank with each other and tell each other everything
but everytime, we failed to do
and i failed to know what happened to you
at least you know part of what happened to me...
life's just so unfair..

when did you start giving up?
this is the question i wanna ask for long...

the end...

2011-05-07T00:00:00.002+08:00

there's no longer a reason for me to stay

i've done all i can
but there's no way i can help you to improve
pardon me for the decision i made
cause i no longer can find a reason
and you can't give me a reason too....

thanks for all the memories that you've given me
i know how well you treated me, loved me
you've tried your best giving me all i want
maybe it's just my fault that i can't be thankful enough

it just hurts to see that i'm no longer the one that can motivate you
i fear i have not done enough to make you happy
i fear, i can't give you what you want

we no longer have the communication, the sparks anymore
everything i said to you, fall on deaf ears
everything i did for you, is just a nuisance
we no longer click
we no longer try to work hard for each other anymore

thanks for the memories...

the future...

2011-05-06T00:32:00.002+08:00

i see things that i shouldn't
i notice things that i shouldn't

everyone's leaving
life is all alone once again
i just want to get out of here
i need a vacation badly
i want to leave here
and never return again

your offer was tempting
if i were to accept it, it'll be a bad choice
some things, when it happened
it can't be undo anymore
i learnt this the hard way once again...

is letting go and forgetting the better way?
i don't believe you can do so
cause i, can never do so no matter how hard i try

what's gonna happen between us?
it's a subject that both of us avoids
but i, noticed the changes in you
have both of us changed?
what's the future?
will there be one?

changed

2011-05-05T00:04:00.002+08:00

rose...u changed

the past may seem bitter
the present may seem better
yet, we always think of the past
hoping to go back to the past
but if we really have the option, that will be the last thing for us to do

the past, present, and future
i'm stuck nowhere
i'm lost
i need guidance, advice

i changed...too

life's just too boring...

2011-05-04T23:11:00.003+08:00

exam's over
life's boring
feels like working
but i can't find any work
yet i just need something to distract my mind
my friend said i've been hiding a lot
that i'm not letting go and sharing my thoughts
but i'm just thinking that i shouldn't let go what i'm thinking
cause certainly, it's just my problems
why should i bother others with my thoughts and my problems?

i need someone to talk to
i need someone to talk to me
but everyone's busy
everyone has their plans, their obligations
who am i to trouble them?
i feel so bored, so depressed
listening to piano songs ain't helping
it's making me more depressed
worst thing? i don't even know why im depressed
i guess life is just too boring
and i felt abandoned
like a dog or cat
or maybe i should just find my cat
but she's busy sleeping and jumping :S

you know what's worst in your life?
it's when you're bored and your pet seems to have more things to do than you...
gosh this is depressing...

last of all,
i screwed up my finals
this is shit

life, the way i want it to be

2011-04-23T02:07:00.005+08:00

my best friend claimed that my life is a total drama
i feel as if it was quite simple in a way
quite crazy in a way
yet sometimes, like now, i feel as if it's the worse it can happen in my life
i guess it's all based on mood?

when i'm in a good mood,
i feel as if everything is just a game
i can feel the fun, laughter and jest in everything that happens to me
i feel as if i can enjoy it and laugh
and though we occassionally meet disasters
yet, the most important thing is to enjoy every part of it

but when i'm in a bad mood.....
i feel as if i'm the bad person for everything that happens around me
i'm more alert and more sensitive
and this is exactly the time where i know who cares about me and who don't
at this moment, i definitely know that i certainly have no friends
words are meant to deceive
the word 'friend' literary means 'to use' that person
at this moment of my life where i want someone to hang out with and talk the most, i know there is none
was it me, or was it you?
people whom i'm most close to
people whom i'm not close to
all give me the same response

sometimes, life is much easier if you're all alone
you don't have to justify your actions or words
you don't have to care what others think
there isn't a moment in my life where i wanna stay like this
i just wanna leave, leave this place and go to somewhere new where i know no one
i want to go to a place where i really don't know anyone
from there, i wanna live the life that i've always wanted
i want to live my life the way i want
from there, i will build my life once over
when, will i have the chance?
if i'm to leave, i will not be back for the next 10-20 years

exam's coming in two days time
yet, maybe due to my mood, i'm certainly not doing any good
at this moment, i feel the stress

life, if only i could have the freedom and enjoy it alone
i wouldn't mind if i can enjoy it with my bf or anyone
i just need a silent companion
yet, it's impossible to do so
there's too many obligations
life...if only i can enjoy it the way i want....

broken

2011-04-10T19:16:00.000+08:00

I tear my heart open.
I sew myself shut.
My weakness is that I care too much.
And our scars remind us that the past is real.
I tear my heart open just to feel.

cause and effect

2011-04-09T23:29:00.004+08:00

"A life without cause is a life without effect."
Barbarella

but why, does my life is so full of cause and effect that it's so hard to overcome it?
and why, is it that i should be the one that cares?

i guess it's time to let go of everything?
can i do it?
at least i have to do it for now,
for my future's sake...

FRUSTRATED

2011-04-09T22:43:00.002+08:00

FRUSTRATED!!!!
whole day dying to go out and i cant!!!
then exam's just round the corner and yet because of some shit i was forced to pick up, i can't concentrate on my damn studies now
been trying BLARDY hard to find for someone to talk to
but one by one BLARDY selfish and ignore!!!
FINE!!!
worse? my bf is one of THEM!!!
great, a breakup please i'm tired of relationships and idiots and bastards!!!
hate it when SELFISH people expect me to talk to them and understand
and when it comes to my TURN, one by one IGNORE!!!
FUCK UP!!

foregone opportunities

2011-04-06T20:41:00.003+08:00

feels as if my life is quite miserable
why do i always realise something when it's coming to an end?
those foregone opportunities, it hurts
and it destroys me altogether.....
how am i gonna live with this?
it'll just hunt me once again
and yet my life lay long ahead of me
how am i gonna cope with it?

i don't know

2011-04-03T23:35:00.001+08:00

i don't know where we're going
and i don't know who we are....

trying...

2011-03-31T15:07:00.004+08:00

have you ever felt so low in your life?
have you ever lost all your confidence in your life?
people used to tell me that i shouldn't keep everything inside
but to share it in order to feel better

however, why, when i decided to share it, i felt as if people are saying im being a pessimist?
why, then people will say that i'm just being silly
then to ask me to forget it and concentrate on myself, my studies?
and worse, why do i feel bad saying out what i'm thinking?
i feel as if i've done a wrong thing
i just hope people won't take what i said wrongly
and i just hope people would once consider of my true feelings in matters
i just have a strong curiosity in life, in people
to me, curiosity makes me learn

but why, again, do i feel so low in my life?
at moments when i need someone to talk to, no one is there
and i can never have the chance to find for people to talk to
cause, the ones i usually tell, i fear if i talk more, they'll start turning away
yet those, that i think might understand, i fear they'll judge me

i've made up my mind, i do
but i'm trying hard to keep it to myself
i'm trying my best
i'm really trying

maybe what others said is right
i do care a lot about others, about what they'll think and react
i've never once care for myself
but i feel that if i can solve other's problems, i can solve my own too
do i really care too much about others?

my life is simple
yet somehow or other, my mind would wonder off
then things would involve others too
i never have the confidence to ignore others
i can't ignore others
it hurts to know others are hurting
but who's there to heal me when i'm hurt?

i've been slacking alot
my studies are suffering
from a teacher, i'm now a student to my student
it's depressing
yet, i'm still struggling hard to get out of all these
i'm trying....

how i wish...

2011-03-29T22:10:00.003+08:00

i know it's an illusion
i know you're a dream that i can never get
i know reality hits one day
but why do i hurt once again when i know you're 'there' again?
it's not wrong for you to be there
you have your obligations
i have mine
but why do i hurt once again to know you're not there for me?

my greatest nightmare, it came true
how i wish i could get a perfect advice
how i wish someone could understand how i feel
how i wish someone could lend a hand to me
to help me
drag me out of this

i'm not emotionless like what others think
i'm really not
i'm human too
why can't anyone treat me like one?
i do feel upset and disappointed too
but why is it no one took notice of it?
why, do people always think that i can handle it?

please, i'm suffering too
all i need is some understanding, help and compassion
why is it that i'm always the one understanding and helping
but none to appear when i need it most?

how i wish it never happened
how i wish it was alright between us
how i wish you never started it
how i wish i'd never get to know you
how i wish....

what goes around doesn't come around
this is what i've learnt throughout my life...

contaminated

2011-03-23T20:43:00.002+08:00

been busy and still am busy
all assignment due dates are back to back
somehow, i do not have the motivation to do any, to study or to do my homework
i feel as if my life is empty
i feel more freedom
yet there are still some unsolved issues
i guess i still need some time to think, to solve my issues
but where should i start from?
it's too late isn't it?
once again, im contaminated and lost....

meddled and tired

2011-03-15T20:37:00.003+08:00

been feeling lost lately
was it due to the lack of sleep?
was it due to stress?
or was it.......

i'm feeling tired
lots of things are going on
in less than a month's time, finals is approaching
yet in between, i'll have quiz and assignment due dates
3 assignments and tho it's easy and proceeding
yet i feel as if i don't have much time left
feels as if i'm slacking
somewhere inside me, it feels painful too

i'm coping, i'm really coping
but i'm tired of pretending
but if i don't people will judge me by saying i'm a mood spoiler
but sometimes, i really hope that people would once treat me as a human
understand how i feels
and most importantly, treat me like a female
i'm so tired of being the tough image where everyone sees me as
being a lil girly and people shall say i'm flirting or hyper
it's so tiring to pretend at times
sometimes, i just wonder whether i'll be an actress in the future
haha, how ironic :/

today...a day

2011-03-04T22:20:00.005+08:00

today, was the first time we talked so much to each other face to face
today, was also the first time we went to an arcade and play together
today, after so long, was the day you fulfilled your promise to bring me for a pizza treat
today, after so long, was the day you hug me and i actually felt warmed
today, was also the day we fight and no longer talk anymore
today, i felt sadden and my heart hurts
today, once again, i long for a love where i can be taken care of well
today, once again, i long for a love that could make me smile
today, i really miss that love (will i get it back?)
too bad, today, i realised it's over and i could never get it back anymore

all i want is to leave...

2011-03-04T19:54:00.004+08:00

some things doesn't change
and it never will
this world, is full of judgemental people
and i, am one too

my intuitions was right
maybe for once again, i've made the wrong choice
i thought today will be a good day
i didn't put too much hopes in it
but childishness, it really gets on my nerves
from today onwards, i will cease my contact with you
afterall, if i don't start this step
it never will and history will repeat

for once, i feel like starting my life all over again
i want to meet new people
to know new people
and to love new people
sometimes in life, it's good to know people whom you totally don't know
cause then you'll never judge anyone
or put hopes on anyone
and you'll have the freedom of life....

i wish i can leave this country
away from everyone
and start anew :)

15 months

2011-02-15T23:14:00.004+08:00

i guess it's all over from today onwards
never have i been disappointed so much
i expected a reason for this behaviour today
you lied to me
you PURPOSELY refuse to answer my 40 calls and smses
you never once think about how i feel
you never care
yet you blamed me for not understanding you
i tried asking everything i can
yet you're the one whom hides everything from me
15 months of relationship is actually all lies
there's no trust, no understanding

we're back to square one
give me a reason not to break
i can no longer find the reason to maintain it anymore
i can no longer convince myself to not break
my instinct told me that this decision will be a wrong decision since the starting
yet i ignore it
this is what i got in the end for ignoring my instinct
i feel tired
6 years of pain, only to let it happen again
i've put all the efforts i can
yet i know, this time is different
there's no longer any resistance from you
nor there is from me
maybe it's really the time to let go...

i'm heartbroken
i'm upset, disappointed
i'm tired

Valentine's Day

2011-02-14T21:56:00.003+08:00

it's Valentine's Day today
it's my first time celebrating
i got a wonderful expensive gift from my darling
but it makes me guilty!!
cause i gave him something useful but not as expensive as what he gave me
well, i hope you like it...do you daryl?? lol

hmm exam's coming soon
prom is this friday
my bf's exam is this saturday
my exam is next wednesday
oh stress stressss
what should i do?
if i can teach my bf, then i'm sacrificing my future
but if i don't help him, i'll feel damn guilty
but what can i do?
all i can hope is that he'll really work hard himself
and treat all his studies with passion and seriousness
afterall, he's already 20 years old..
it's impossible that at this age he should still be spoon fed right?
oh gosh, all these are getting on my nerves

i guess i have to stop playing games now
i'm trying hard to stop it
but...sometimes i really need entertainment >.<
right now i'm heading the advice by my friend's ex
it has been so long where there's someone whom can motivate me
i love that feeling
it's a feeling where you feel happy and motivated to study
it's a positive encouragement and i constantly do need encouragement when it comes to study
hopefully i can find someone who's near to me where i can obtain encouragements like this :)

goodluck to myself :D
hwaiting!! <3

maybe........

2011-02-08T19:54:00.003+08:00

things have gone back to normal right now
it seems nice...yet...i feel as if there's something behind this calm
certainly, i'm thinking too much
but you can't blame me for being cautious
either way, i'm too harrassed to think bout these right now
exam is in 2 weeks time and my prom is in one week's time
everyone has planned everything, well except me
i have friends who could help me out through my troubles
yet, i feel as if i have the obligation to stick to my group unless they request not to
it's not that i'm not appreciating my friend's help but....
i really dunno how to explain it

sometimes, i really wonder, is it a good thing to tell someone about what is going on in ur mind??
with the current people that i'm hanging out with now, it seems that none would think from the opposite's position but based on their own rights
none would actually bother to think what's actually bothering me, yet they would like to ask
when i tell, they said i'm being paranoid and give me the 'look'
i'm tired of facing the 'look' all the time
maybe, maybe it's time that i should shut my mouth on everything...including to my bf since really, none understands

i've been trying to find my peace for long
yet, i've tried all and what i could get is only temporary peace
suddenly, after the holidays, i feel tired once again
i feel that it's really a hard thing communicating with friends
when i do not communicate, they asked me whether i'm ok
when i said i am, they don't believe
but when i do communicate, they ignored and give the 'look' to me
when i get new friends or talk to some people only, they say i'm playing politics
what do they actually want from me?
or is it that i've tolerate too much?
but to me, this is actually nothing
i totally can understand if any of them are having the same situation
i give them their space and be right by their side
but why does all these feel as if it's all one sided?
sadly, no one agrees anymore
no one understands anymore

maybe, maybe it's best that i shut myself up once again
maybe, maybe i should just ignore everything including others' feelings
maybe, maybe...
maybe.............
i don't know
i really don't....

memories

2011-02-04T23:06:00.002+08:00

the memories lay fresh in my mind
being the one whom stayed by your side at all times
you left me to pursue your dreams
the unspoken language between us was still left unsaid
you, being the one whom left
has an unknown future that lies ahead
while i, was abandoned at the same place
you and i, we're different
you have a dream to pursue
and you left without hesitation
while i, was left to pick up the memories
seeing the same routine
but without you
slowly, everyone's leaving
while i, still being here to do what i should do
will there be anymore future between us?
the world's so big
is there a chance where we might meet again?

that night, it was the last time you and i talked
that day, it was the last time you and i exchanged a glance
that day you left, i was all alone....

The Rabbit Year 2011

2011-02-04T13:04:00.004+08:00

This shall be my second Chinese New Year post if I'm not wrong
This year, I've no idea what's ahead
Nothing seems to be about my zodiac this year as none can be seen or heard on the television

Anyways, as usual, Chinese New Year's eve was spent eating lunch at my grandma's house
Unlike other normal families which have reunion dinner, mine, we have lunch
At night, again as usual, my mum would cook fried mee hoon
I feel that as if Chinese New Year is just like any other day
It brings no special routines or anything, except for the sounds of fireworks around me
Ever since the death of my grandmother, CNY is nothing at all
I miss those times when I can go back hometown, play with my cousins and her friends, and cycle on the empty roads
Even if there are people of cars, they treat you politely and sometimes, even talked to you if they recognised you
This year, I have four cars that can take me back home
But I've got on none
My mum refused to go back as she claimed that her mum is no longer there
There's no longer a reason to go back
But I'm thinking, why can't go back and reminisce on the memories?
Even her dead mother would have love that
But I guess, my mum is still living in denial
I miss hometown

On the first day of Chinese New Year, I spent it at home whole day
Playing Plant vs. Zombies and doing Stats homework
My parents went out with friends
And so did my sis and bro
I was left alone at home, ordering McD

On the second day of Chinese New Year
I'm not feeling well with hints of cramps
Due to the painkiller took, I'm now in dazed
Though they say it's necessary to stay happy and upbeat during CNY,
I can't help but feeling down
The childhood of the memories of CNY, I can no longer get it back
I guess it's time to grow up
Nothing seems fun and happy anymore..

Anyways, Happy Chinese New Year people :)

upset on my birthday

2011-01-29T18:25:00.003+08:00

it's my birthday today
i was in a good mood and relaxing happily at home
i feel alot better compared to yesterday
up to the point that i know it's pointless and useless for me to think or care anymore about my bunch of friends
i feel that i'm gonna downgrade my friends from close friends to hi-bye friends
cause i realised they no longer take me as a friend anymore
so what's the point for me to care and think so much?

until my friend called me out for lunch
i thought just out lunch with him and enjoy since i didn't go anywhere today
plus it has been a long time since we go out together
then when we're out, he said something about my 'close' friend
then i start to emo again..
hiahz i guess it's really not easy to forget something
i feel very tired when i think back on them
out of the entire gang, only one bothered to call me to wish me
which is also the one that i scolded
yet the one that i considered close, just sms me a Happy Birthday notice
well, i guess something is better than nothing
i really have no idea what came over her
it's so weird...
i'm upset again :(

disappointment

2011-01-28T16:19:00.006+08:00

I watched a nice show today, called Shaolin. In the show, there are many elements of Buddhism and it reminds me of my past. It has been ages since I last stepped foot into a temple and pray with others. Tho I don't have the intention to pray last time, but I do at the sidelines subconsciously. It seems that those prayers have been naturally inculcated in my mind as I do not know how to read Chinese since young. If I do not pray along, I will feel guilty and hurt. Since young, I have been wondering why. Maybe in my previous life I have committed too many sins to cause me to have what I have today. For a normal person at my age, many don't undergo the pains that I've undergone. Due to this, many aren't able to understand my feelings and pain.

Since young, I'm not a person who can express my feelings easily. However, when I talk, I always felt as if I've let on too much of myself. After that, I will automatically distance myself from my friends because I felt exposed, naked. However, according to my friends, they've always find me as a quiet person who doesn't let go much about myself. But in my case, I felt insecure.

After watching the show today, sometimes I wonder, whether is it true about what people said about me since young. That I will be a nun. It seems that it might be true, tho I'll never know where I got the courage to do so. Since young, I've been disappointed and hurt badly. Each time, I will wish that I'll gain inner peace, away from all the hurts and pains inflicted on myself and others. I can't bear to see others being hurt and I'd rather I'm the one whom is being hurt. Maybe that's why I'm always willing to help my friends who have been hurt.

It always seem easy to help others because I'm always seeing from the outter perspective. But why, when I'm hurt, I'm always blinded? There are many times when I confided in others. But why is it that many people ask me to move on and forget it? I don't need those advices. I just need someone to understand. However, many people don't. They'll just think that I'm being paranoid. Is it wrong to feel insecure and hurt? Is it wrong for me to tell others about my insecurities? If I could handle it by myself, I wouldn't have taken the trouble to find people and confide in them isn't it?

Why is it that I'm always willing to help my friends? It's because I understands the pain they're going through. However, when I'm hurt, who understands me? No one. Not even the person whom I trusted and care the most for, my friends. They just ignore. And in this case, worse, they think that I'm the cause of the politics that is going on in the group. Tho now that it's all good, however, their feelings are still the same. And I'm being more and more neglected each day. I confided in two persons whom I trusted and expected to understand me the most. But I was disappointed. Not only the first ignored me, but the latter accused me of being the cause of the politics.

Suddenly, I feel as if my life has just ended that way. I no longer know who to turn to. Both my best friends couldn't understand me, and my boyfriend thinks that I should get over it. If I could forget it, I wouldn't end up to be what I am today. The thing I fear most in the world is to be neglected and misunderstood. Now, I'm facing both. And I fear I might be having my depression back again. It hurts. If I have the choice, I wouldn't want to return to that path. I've wasted most of my childhood due to depression. I can trust no one and be happy. I even forgot everything. But now, history is repeating.

Tomorrow will be my birthday. Tho I've never put much hopes on my birthday, but dunno why, I'm feeling more upset this year. Nothing good happens on my birthday. Every year, I will be disappointed. Up to the point that I always tell myself to forget it cause there's nothing good to celebrate. Humans are born to survive and it's a sin. Cause humans are always being hurt, or hurting others. Why? I just wish that God would grant my wish and let me die within these seven days. I feel as if I can no longer cope with my life anymore. I no longer know what I'm capable of and I no longer know what I'll do after these seven days.It's unlikely that things will all change in these seven days. But I hope if I do still live on, after these seven days, I hope my life will take a turn to be better. Because I'm tired. I just want a peaceful life.

double-crosser

2011-01-26T19:42:00.004+08:00

i had a nightmare
in my nightmare, my friends were treating me as cold as they were treating me now
not in my life would i thought that my so called close friend is a double-crosser
yes, people said life goes on and it's better to forgive
i'm trying but i feel as if i've been taken advantage on
how could they do this to me?
yes, the situation is improving by 3% now
but i can't help but lost the trust
it's said to trust your feelings when you're deciding whether to continue with this kind of people
but to say the truth, my gut told me to leave and forget
yet, i know i might regret in the future
i will leave when it's time
but i guess in this 3 months time, i'll have to stay
cause tho after what they have done to me,
i still can't bear to see the group being separated
there is no longer any trusts between the members anymore
maybe i wasn't the only one whom was hurt in the process
we'd communicate
but i know that is what everyone wants and think to do
but whether it's sincere...
most of them think only about the group assignment and their own personal benefit
i feel like talking to the guy in my group cause he knows how i feel
but i see that he's also one of them whom have made me lost my trust
what else can i talk to them?
i no longer can trust anyone...

Betrayal by friends

2011-01-26T15:04:00.004+08:00

The hardest thing in this world is to be eliminated by the person whom you love and trust the most without a reason. Worse part is, after all the efforts that have been put into the 'crisis', they turn around and stab you in return; attacking you at the moment where you're most defendless without your knowledge.

The situation started with a couple whom have broke up but refuse to leave each other. They fight everyday, creating tensions and concerns among the group. The females were wondering why the female lead has not told them about the problem as they were a gang and close friends. Later on, i, as the observant, found out what happened from a third party. Due to some misunderstanding, the female lead misunderstood that i was the one whom told then entire gang about what happened. It wasn't me but the male lead and a third party whom told the group and other people. However, i didn't think the situation was severe because we're a gang. So why bother hiding? Isn't a group of friends should share their problems? If you're not willing to share, then don't ever let others see it.

My friend misunderstood me and i didn't tell anyone about the situation. I kept my mouth close but told my other female friends to talk to her instead because 'i suspect there is a probem with her relationship with her bf;. Slowly, i didn't realise that i was losing my friends. Yet all the while i was concentrating on helping the female lead to overcome her problem. I didn't realise that my friends has started to ignore me and suddenly everyone turned against me. I have no idea what i have done wrong. If asking others to help lessen my friend's burden is a wrong thing to do, then i really don't know what is right. And since i was misunderstood, i was never in the position to know anything about her. Slowly, they started hiding things from me. Even from my friend, the one whom i care and trust the most. I believe she will be able to see the situation and understand me. Yet, she also walked away from me.

Despite what others said, i believe that my close friend is innocent. I believe that she understands me. I believed that she won't turn against me for whatever rumors she heard. I've known her for quite long and i care for her. Some people told me that she's only using me as i was always available for help. But i guess i was taken advantage. I told others that i don't mind if she's just using me. What i worry is her future and i do not want to see her in the slums again. Yet, this is what happened to me, for caring too much. The situation worsen. Slowly, i realised that i no longer can convince anyone that i'm innocent. Worse is i never know what happened.

The group was separated mentally as the situation worsen. My close friend which claimed that she was neutral and 'don't wanna care' suddenly turn against others members too. She ignored everyone but to talk only to the female lead. She even started hiding matters from me. Yet i believed that she has her reason for doing so and she would never hurt me. Other people started noticing the situation in our gang and they told me what they have observed. Slowly, i see it more and more clearly that everyone in the group was affected. As the situation worsen and i see other members have lost their confidence, i told them that it's not the females' fault. Instead i told them to try to see the situation from the females' point of view. I told them that their attitudes have a reason/reasons. But other members took what i said as 'that is the reason' instead of 'this might be why they are behaving that way'. They misunderstood everyone.

When college starts, i can see that each of us are hoping that the situation will improve. My close friend told me that the female lead is coping well and i heard from a third party that she will try to talk to her ex and other members. I can see that she was trying hard. For a person whom has ignored me for the past 6 months, she started talking to me again. I was shocked. The observers too. And my close friend told me that she felt guilty and bad that our group has split and she will try to make the group better again. Yet when the female lead started to change, my close friend also changed, in a way where she totally ignore others and me, creating the tension again.

I never expected this to happen. I felt very stress. There are many things that are going on in my mind. I have matters to worry about instead of the friendship between these 5 people. Yet no one bother to take concern on me. Yesterday, the male lead confronted my close friend on why she wanna play politics among us. She said that she didn't but it was me and the female lead. For a person whom claimed that the female lead is her close friend, why would she say that? For a person whom claimed that she's innocent, why would she play the psychology test on us by rotating between me and the female lead, treating us with sudden hot and cold passion? But then again, who, afterall, when confronted will admit that they are the culprit? Yet they can treat me so well all of a sudden yesterday.

Only till last night i realised that my efforts have all been dumped into the bin. For all the while, i have told and convinced the male lead to understand the situation. But he took everything that i've said as the true answer to the problem. After what they told him yesterday, he blamed me for backstabbing the group. He blamed me for 'playing politics' in the group. I was so hurt. It's not like he didn't know that i cared for the group so much. He knows the pain that i've gone through yet he told me to ignore them. But i couldn't and can never ignore them cause i worry and care for the female lead, my so called close friend and the group. I didn't want us to separate just because of this.

The male lead has never thought that the culprit whom cause this thing is him. I didn't blame him. I told him all of us will understand and we will try to make the situation better. But i really didn't know that he and the others will turn around and stab me and put all the blames on me when i was the one who is worrying and trying to help the group. Never has i felt such strong betrayal in my life.

From yesterday onwards, i realised that maybe, maybe i should just leave. I'm feeling very tired. I didn't expect my efforts to be appreciated but i expected them to know my efforts and do something from it. Not turning around, blaming me for everything and then pretend as if nothing had happened. When they need me the most, i was there for them. Always. But when i need them the most, they just never listen but to ignore or else, tell me to forget it. If i could forget things so easily, would i ever turn to you people and ask for help? Why would i bother to waste my time worrying bout problems and talking to them if i can solve the problems by myself?

I've decided that i really do not want to care anymore. To be with a group that only cares bout their own problems, and later put the blame on me for everything, i know they are really not my friends. If they are my friends, they will be able to see the pains that im going thru. But no, they do not.

One friend of mine told me that real friends are not those that you need to hang out with for long or talk to to know what is bugging them. Real friends are not those that leaves you when you have problems. And real friends are certainly not those that judge matters by its cover and ignore you when they hear a rumor about you.

My motto in life since young was not to judge a book by its cover, not to prejudice against others, and not to take rumors as truths. Whatever others told me, i will find for the truth before making up my mind about a person. In this situation here, i guess i finally found the answer that i was searching for. It just saddens me that for a bunch of people whom i cared most, they would misunderstand me hurt me without finding the truth. If they really cared about me, they wouldn't have done this to me. I know the adult world is scary and lonely and anytime will be stabbed by others, but i really didn't expect this from the bunch of friends whom i've known and hang out together for nearly everyday for more than 2 years.

Just because i kept my mouth shut, it doesn't mean that i was not affected by the situation. I feel as if i've been wrongly blamed for a thing that i've never done. And it ain't feel nice. At all.

having too much of everything makes you an unappreaciative person

2011-01-20T20:15:00.002+08:00

it's public holiday..
had a great time with family
yet it seems as if im faking everything
i no longer know what to do with my life
why does a small matter seem to bother me so much?
i hate it when im being influenced so much
i know it's time to be myself
but i just couldn't bear this treatment anymore
im human too
but what have i done to deserve such thing?
you're making me more and more depressed everyday
when you asked me how i am, i really have no idea what to reply
i tried telling you
but you never listen
the word 'ignorance is bliss'?
it no longer belong to me
it belongs to you now..
what i can say is
'having too much of everything makes you an unappreaciative person'

in need of mental saviour

2011-01-15T14:11:00.005+08:00

my life has been jumbled up lately
friends has been finding me for advices
i gave them what i can give from my experiences
i help them whenever i can
feeling lucky in a way that i could help
and many told me that i'm lucky to have what i'm having now
but my life has taken a turn
i'm all lost and wrecked
i no longer know how to feel and think
i just want a time of my own to sort things out
in the mean time, who is going to help me?

all the time i have intuitions which i partly believe in
cause i believe life is up to me and intuitions are not 100% true
recent events had let me realised that my intuitions are getting sharper
yet all these intuitions that i've got, aren't exactly great
what should i do?

life sucks in a way where you're expecting the worse
yet at the moment, there's nothing you can do to prevent it
how i wish someone could understand me, help me
i do need some help sometimes
but i can't go to my friends as they are too burdened by their problems
tho they might have solved most of it by now
but none would like to be indulged in problems again
and there's no way i'll be burdening them
so...who's gonna help me?

results weren't up to what i've expected
i can't believe i got a C+ for my Macro
how can this happen when i was the highest for my Mid Terms,
and during Finals i could do it well?
for Micro i could understand as i didn't know how to do anything for Finals
but Macro??
i'm tempted to ask for a remark, which will cost rm100
friends have told me that it's useless
but i believe that doing so might make a change
what should i do?
i don't even dare to let my parents know
for recently i've been blamed on something that was not my fault
and has been treated like shit since then
what should i do?

i just need a place
where i can be by myself, to lick my wounds
and to live by my own freedom
feels as if i've been boxed up
feels so tired and upset
who's gonna help me?

giving up soon

2011-01-11T21:59:00.003+08:00

i just don't get it
what makes it so hard just to pass a damn Foundation?
i'm sick and tired of ever hoping that you'll pass it
i'm tired of having faith on you everytime and yet you only know how to disappoint me
sorry, but you really force me to do this
i'm gonna start giving up on you
i'm tired of all your lies
is it so hard to just sit in class, listen and copy down whatever the lecturer said?
is it so hard to do your homework?
is it really hard to review back your studies?
if money is important to you,
you should know what's the opportunity costs of doing so
apparently, two years is definitely not enough for you
if i give you another two years, i can bet that you'll never pass it too
cause you ALWAYS thinks that people are born not to listen, copy, and do homework and yet pass their exam
you know what?
i can tell u this: even God also can't do it
what makes you think you can do it?
i'm too fed up with your lies and excuses
this is unbearable
i'll never want a stupid boyfriend in my life
i don't care how much you can make in your future
but what i know now is i'll never regret on the decision that i've make upon now

YOU are the one that force me to do so

childish games in the real world

2011-01-07T21:20:00.004+08:00

omg i can't believe what i'm seeing
how can these things happen?
5 people whom were so close to each other
now they are separated
and backstabbing each other
can't they see and think back on the shared dreams they once have?
can't they reminisce back on the memories shared?
i've never thought such similar incident would happen
not this way
it's way too childish to bear
it's too heartbreaking to see it happen
why?
you can see it clearly that one side is tolerating
while the other is spreading lies and fire,
giving cold treatments
trying to make as if the presevered ones are the culprits
it's wrong..
way too wrong
this can't be happening
not to them too.....

and i'd never once expect that to come from you
yeah you..the one whom i trusted the most
whom i considered the best of the best
why??
how can you be heartless....

isolated world

2011-01-04T20:44:00.005+08:00

seems that so much has passed
time has moved on
many things are lost on the way
i've lost in touch with the K world
much to the destiny of my favourite group is unknown
it's sad to see that such a wonderful group has to be separated
and it's sad to see the fate of DBSK to end up this way
JYJ seemed to have moved on well,
while the fate of the other two remained hurt
did they ever think of the consequences?
the hurt they'd bring to others?

tho most of my favourite members are in JYJ,
however it's also sad to see the way the group is now
how unresponsible
it just makes people feel so isolated and hurt

DBSK came out with a new song recently called

Keep Your Head Down

Keep your head down U-Know time (Max)
You know what time it is?
This is return of the king

(Everything has ended) I didn’t even start yet
(We broke up) I haven’t even heard the reason yet
Everyone around me keeps asking me why I’m like this
Why are you like that, why are you like that? I’m already the bad guy

(If it’s a sin) If loving you was a sin
(If that was a shin) If being genuine is a sin
(I’ll keep it low, I’ll keep it low) I’ll hold it in and stand my ground

(Keep your head down)
You look pretty, but inside you’re so different, that’s what I’m afraid of
(Keep your head down)
I said I loved you but I’ll let you go

(Why?) Did you leave me so easily
(Why?) Did I look easy to you?
(Why?) My heart is ripping to shreds
(Why?) If every moment was a dream
(Why?) If only I had the time to set it right
(Why?) I prayed for your happiness

I was always satisfied with having you
I was happy to dream the same dream as you no matter what they said
I had to let you go, but I’m just walking my path anyway
Now I’m just chillin’, Feel like I’m healing

It’s too late, you said you can’t come back
You’ve always believed that I’d crumble without you
That’s a misunderstanding, why would I do that? why, why, I told you I wouldn’t

(Hey) I was really, really sad, because you were so immature
and I was afraid you’d meet someone bad (Why? baby)

(Keep your head down)
You’re really pretty, but that’s all there is to you, there’s nothing important inside of you
(Keep your head down)
A nail is driven into the heart that is holding in the pain of love

(Why?) Why
(Why?) You let go of our love so easily
(Why?) Did you ever think that someone would get worried?
(Why?) I don’t think you know yet
(Why?) Exactly just what you let go of
(Why?) Just remain there and watch me grow

Ha~ Don’t play with people like that
In front of me, all you do is speak of lies
You’re such a two-faced person
(Why why why) Since when did our crystal-like feelings become so opaque?
Our love has ended, I’ve let you go, and now my heart is empty
But my future is gesturing towards me to get up and smile
I’m letting you go, live happily (why why why)
One day far from now, far from now, I want to just smile comfortably

(Keep your head down)
Erased, disappeared, you’ve burned to death in my heart
(Keep your head down)
Erased, disappeared, you’ve died in my heart and you no longer exist

this lyrics, is well-suited with my emotions right now
it's just so saddening to see how things turn out to be this way
it's alright
there's nothing that i can do but to face forward, just like DBSK...

another guy that i miss?

Park Jung Min :)

life has its ups and downs
what one only can do, is to bravely embrace it
if things were to turned out this way
i've done the best that i can
there's no other way that i can do without hurting others
and i do not want to take the path where i'll hurt everyone around me
it's ok for you to hurt me,
but it's not ok for me to hurt anyone...

dallied life

2011-01-02T23:56:00.006+08:00

after being pushed around and all
i've decided what i should do
i feel very very bad and upset
i know i should not leave you alone
but it seems that that's the only way you'd like be dallied
why did i defend you all the time only to know you're just like one of them?
why did i care so much for you, just when i know you're going to use me again and again?
coming to me only when you needed help?
i've decided not to waste my time anymore
if childish games were to be played
it's up to you to follow up
but i know i no longer be involved
let's just treat it as a happy game
if it only makes you happy
it's my future and my decision
it's your future, and it's up to you to dally with it

hope you enjoy it :)
i'm sure i'll enjoy it very much
past, current, or future,
i've found a leeway now :D

life...

2010-12-11T23:28:00.003+08:00

am i back to the past again?
i can't seem to remember any of my past anymore...
i feel so tired once again
i feel as if im walking backwards once again
i fear...for myself

recently read a news on a 22 year old guy whom suicide for love
at first i feel that he's being silly
but then again, maybe that was the best way out for him
why continue living when you're suffering?
even if you do live on, the past will hunt you again and again..
so tell me...what is life?

i'd like to know..once and for all...

life is all that it matters

2010-11-12T18:54:00.005+08:00

just because i kept silent
it doesn't mean that i don't care
just because i smile
that doesn't mean i'm happy
just because you talked to me and i replied
it doesn't mean i can forget everything of what you've done

how many times have i wish to release my anger
to release the tension that now embraces everyone
to break the hatre felt....
are you aware of what you've done?
no, i shouldn't think so...
if you're aware, you'd noticed the impact you've brought
none of it is positive
yet i have to remain silent, happy, unconcerned and aloof
i'm not as dumb as i'd portrayed
DO NOT TEST MY PATIENCE

in a group where i felt i've been used
knowing this fact, yet as friends
i helped, care, trust and have faith
but none matters anymore
if you'd think selfishness is your way to life
i'd lead my life that way too
certainly it's makes you happier
it's time to have a dose of your own medicine
yet, im not that evil enough
pray, have a look and realise the truth
i can no longer help nor defend you anymore
i no longer know the true you..
please wake up to this world...

mentally tired and remorse

2010-11-10T21:34:00.005+08:00

recently felt mentally tired and fed up with life
i really hate it when people do not know how to respect others
can't they see how much help they asked and been provided, only to return the kindness by ignoring and being rude to them?
sure, people basically have motives to make friends with others
but isn't there any real friends in your life?
think about it...

and...i feel remorse on somthing
i'm mad, tho i know i have no rights to be mad
i know i should respect you, but i just can't bear the idea of you doing it
sorry
think of it as my feelings for you have grown stronger than what i've expected..
and i'm thankful for the effort you've put in
but to say the truth, i don't really mind actually
as long as you're truthful to me..

anyways, mid terms just finished last week, only to be faced with another exam next week,
and a finals 2 weeks later
this is really killing and stressful
not to forget, a law assignment which i have a lil idea, but can't seem to grasp what it is...
hmmm....

Trapped Soul

2010-10-30T10:57:00.004+08:00

Don't know why but seem to have been feeling trapped for long
I don't know whether it's the stress that made me feel as if there's a black cloud above me
Or that it's the black cloud above me that made me feel stress
I can no longer smile nor laugh sincerely as I'm constantly stress out
Not only on my life, but also on studies
I don't know whether it's the stress that made me unable to concentrate in studies
Or that I've lost the ability and interest in studies
Growing up isn't easy
I miss those times where I can express out all my feelings easily and happily
I miss last year, where I can be myself and life is all about excitement
Tho there are mistakes and troubles but it makes life meaningful, wonderful
I miss those time where I can act wildly and enjoying myself
Rather than this time where I've kept myself on a tight leash
Forcing myself to be disciplined and learn to keep to myself
Life feels so boring and stressful
I miss those times where there are friends where you can talk to about anything,
Not now, in this grown up world where everything is about manipulating
And no one bothering about anything other than themselves, neglecting others
Feels like a trapped soul in this world right now and then
I miss the freedom that I have in life
Many friends could not understand me
And that's because they refuse to see the way I see things
I need excitement, not gossips
I need fun and conversations, not people asking how am I and constantly nagging then ignoring me
I don't need people to come to me only when they need me, I hate that
I need my space at times, yet I don't like to talk much about my life
I just want my excitement, my life back...

selfish people's way of life

2010-10-18T20:52:00.003+08:00

really hate to live in the society where manipulation plays a big role
everyone thinks of only themselves and their greed
without realising the situation and trouble that they've put others through
nor do them realise that their actions only cause troubles and chaos
and brings bad influence to the group where everyone is affected
each and everyone acts selfishly and put others into hard situations where they were to make things better and right for the greater happiness of everyone
why can't just some people reflects on their actions?
if you'd listen to me from the start, you wouldn't have brought so many troubles, manipulation, problems, and headaches to others...

Diluted Life

2010-10-12T10:59:00.002+08:00

feels like I've been diluted from your life as well as mine
what am I thriving for when it's you who can't be bothered?
what am I waiting for when it's all unappreciated and forgotten?
is it time to let go?

What should I do?

The New Insights of my Life

2010-10-11T19:13:00.004+08:00

Honestly, today is a day that has given me a new insight of my life
What I've seen, experienced and read today,
I realised I have to stop being what I am and live a new life
To be the 'real' me

Today is the first day of college
I went there with lots of expectations and uncertainties
Only to be met with a pain that made me feel very alive right now
It feels as if I've died, and alive again
One thing that I'm certain is, I don't think I will be ever ready to bear a child
Not without epidural or painkillers
And I'm very very grateful to my friends who've understood and helped me
Especially Mr JL since he fetched me all the way home without any complaints
Too bad I have to miss my first class of Macro,
something that I looked forward to

Another thing that I looked forward to today is results
Everyone in the first year of degree will be getting their results today
I know that I've done badly for my Micro but none of my friends would believe nor understood me
I know the results that I'll get will be very disappointing to everyone
Especially my Econs teachers, Mr Alex and Ms Lim
Most of all, I'm disappointed with myself
I only expected two results for my Micro
Either I failed, or I get a B
I checked my result, and honestly I'm very very disappointed
All of my friends got an A for their ACC101 except me
I got a B+ instead, which means that it's only probably another 5 marks away from an A
I totally regretted the time where I played a fool with myself by being overconfident with my ACC101 during mid terms
And I repeated this mistake for my Micro during finals
What I do not understand is, I was able to teach my friends
but unable to do the exam in the end
Seeing how stressed up and how confident my friends did in the hall made me lose my mind
I went totally blank and blur

Nevertheless, I got a C+
and this C has totally crushed all my hopes of obtaining a scholarship to enter UQ
One miserable C that kill all my hopes, just like what happened in Foundations
I guess I have to stop thinking and brooding about the past, but to work harder
The secret to success?
Try to maintain my enthusiasm for each and every subject
I'm very disappointed in myself as I just could not get it why I have to screw up things at the most crucial point of my life

The third thing that I've learnt today is to have the strength to overcome my pasts
It's something that I've avoided and ignored, only to repeat the same mistakes again and again
Worst of all, I lose all my confidence in the process
and try to blend in, hoping that no one will notice, nor comment anything about it
I lost my entire childhood and my teenage years
Now I felt that I'm too old for everything

When I was young, I realised that I've a different way of thinking compared to my friends
I'd observed a lot, and learnt
Only to realised that no one at my age whose mind work the same way as mine
I'm proud of that
Till....I decided to stop observing and blend in with the rest
I was sick of what I'm getting
and I decided to be like others, once and for all so that I can maintain an 'invisible' life
This has not only lowered my confidence but also made me lose sight of my life, my aims, and my goals

Last year, somehow I'd managed to came out of that miserable life
I lived life with confidence and happiness
Because for the first time in my life, I felt that all my problems has been lifted
I was enjoying excellent health and meeting a lot of new friends and different types of people
It's like a new life
I started experiencing with life, only to lose it in the end
Again by overconfidence
Without realising, I put my hopes and dreams onto one person
Only to be crushed the following week
I lived my life once again in fear, trying to blend in, making myself invisible from others
Few months later, I met a person who opened up my mind and helped me
My life improved, tho not back into the original me
During the process, just like now, I screwed up my studies
Having lots of hopes and expectations,
only to be crushed in the end due to my own stupidity

Too bad, I can't seem to help the person
I've tried my best, put all my efforts in
Only to realise that the person has put a resistance on himself
There's no way I could help him unless he removed the resistance and start working hard for his future
I'm just hoping that he'll wake up and start living for his future

But thanks to this person, I'd managed to stand up from my pasts and do what is necessary
Each and everyday, he'd give me the courage to achieve what I want
Too bad I'm not doing a good job
No one could see why you and I could be together
But you've actually saved me from what I was
Thank you :)

Therefore, as usual, at the start of every sem,
I will have big hopes, only to end up with disappointments at the end
Hopefully I will be able to maintain what I want to achieve this time
Not to say that I do not appreciate what I have,
but I'd like to achieve what I want, rather than satisfactory results

New sem resolution:

Study hard
Obtain desired results (an A in every subjects)
Stop hiding and be myself
Teach my bf maths until he can do it
Have confidence

There are a lot more that I would like to achieve but I guess I'll work those out myself
Afterall, there's no point in talking but not being able to do it in the end
Hopefully, this time will be a new, different and special time where I'll be able to find the true me
Time to focus on what I really want
and what's in front

Goodluck :)

overcoming depression - a new beginning

2010-10-07T12:34:00.005+08:00

Just read a good article bout how a person overcomes her depression:

Made big changes in your life - change careers, friends, house, etc
Set a list of things to look forward everyday
Find something to do - something to distract yourself
Talk to people - not necessary a friend/known person
Pamper yourself - eat at restaurants, manicures, pedicures, etc
Stop talking about how you feel - keep to yourself and most trusted friends
Play sports - particularly running/jogging if you need to clear your mind
Develop routines and long-term commitments - visit old folks home, do charity
Start babysitting - expose yourself to different people of all ages (they make you realise new things and appreciate life more)
Appreciate what you have and what you're capable of - take a vacation to clear your mind

Basically, to overcome depression it is easy as long as one is determined and passionate to make better of themselves.

P/S: I've tried some of these 10 tips and it really helps

Up to a certain point of your life, harrowing onto your pasts and what you don't have just exhausts you more and blinds you from reality and what you have

So, why don't you just enjoy yourself and do as you want?

It's worth a try, afterall, what's there to lose? :)